Welcome, listeners! In today’s episode, we have a special guest all the way from Mexico—Nicole. She shares her unique journey into motherhood, living far from her Buffalo roots for the past two decades.
Nicole, originally from Buffalo, New York, has been living on the Pacific coast of Mexico for 20 years. A mother of three (ages nine, seven, and six), Nicole wears many hats—she works in education, manages a farm school project, enjoys photography, and was a self-proclaimed birth activist for a significant part of her life.
In this episode, Nicole delves into her experience with unassisted home births, challenging societal norms. She shares her firsthand accounts of witnessing her niece’s and best friend’s home births, which inspired her own unconventional birthing choices. Nicole reflects on the surprise she faced during her first childbirth—the birth of her son with a limb difference—and how it shaped her perspective on motherhood.
The conversation extends to the importance of postpartum planning, advocating for your preferences, and understanding both your desires and boundaries. Nicole emphasizes the significance of knowing what you don’t want in addition to what you do, particularly during the delicate postpartum period.
As Nicole transitioned from birth work to outdoor education, she invites listeners to connect with her on her Instagram and Facebook page, both named The Life of a Strong Mama as well as through email at thelifeofastrongmama@gmail.com. Nicole is open to providing private support, sharing insights, and engaging in conversations about her personal journey and experiences with children with disabilities.
Join us for an insightful conversation with Nicole as she shares her unconventional yet empowering journey through motherhood, offering inspiration and valuable lessons to parents navigating their unique paths.
Key Takeaways:
- Embrace unconventional paths to motherhood.
- Prioritize postpartum planning, considering both desires and boundaries.
- Advocate for your preferences and communicate openly with your support system.
- Explore and connect with online communities for additional support.
- Recognize the importance of knowing what you don’t want in your postpartum experience.
Listener Engagement: Have you faced challenges or surprises during your postpartum journey? Share your stories and insights in the comments or connect with Nicole directly!
Stay Tuned for More: Stay tuned for our upcoming episodes where we continue to explore unique parenting journeys and share inspiring stories. Subscribe and follow us on Apple Podcast and Spotify for updates!
Thank you for listening to The Aftercare Experience: Postpregnancy Conversations with Anita where every story is a journey worth sharing!
NOV 16, 2023SHARE
Anita: Hey, everyone. Thanks for listening today. I have a special guest all the way from Mexico. Everybody. Welcome, Nicole. Hi, Nicole.
Nicole: Hi, thank you. Yeah. So can you tell
Anita: everybody who you are
Nicole: and a little bit about you? Sure. Um, I am actually originally from Buffalo, New York, and I, um, have been living in this area of Mexico, which is on the Pacific coast for 20 years now in January.
Nicole: Um, so yeah, it’s been a long time and I am a mother of Three children, and that right now feels like the first, uh, best way to describe myself, . Um, my children are nine, seven, and six, so it’s a full-time gig . Um, in addition to that, I’m also, I, I work in education. Um, we have a little farm school project on the land where we live, and I really am into photography.
Nicole: I like cooking and there was about a decade of my life where I was. a self proclaimed birth activist. So, um, those are kind of my, yeah, kind of a little bit about myself. Tell me a
Anita: little bit about this birth
Nicole: advocate. Yeah, um, so I have, I have, my three children were all born at home, um, and on a system.
Nicole: Which for those of us that use that label is really, um, there were no medical professional, um, in the birth space or present during the birth. And so I guess my journey in that realm of, um, kind of being an activist and, and, and really seeking for that type of birth. a little bit over a decade ago. Um, and I guess I’m 41 now.
Nicole: So I think with age, just kind of, you realize that you don’t need to scream from the mountaintops for everybody to hear you and they quietly come when they’re ready and when they need to hear the information. So I’ve just kind of stepped down a little bit from that, but it was really about hearing my stories, sharing stories that were similar to ours to mine.
Nicole: Um, I have. Some really close friends. My sister-in-Law who’ve all birthed in this way. So showing up for, um, for group conversations. And we’ve had conferences in the area where we live, online, podcasts, things like that. Just really, like you said, sharing stories like you’re doing here, um, and really getting the uns.
Nicole: Spoken things said and seen, and so that others know that they’re also possible to do the same. I love that. Can you
Anita: tell us a little bit about, um,
Nicole: your, your birth? Yeah, sorry. Just had a little sip of hot coffee. Um, so I, my birth stories, I would say started with my niece’s birth. My niece just turned 12, so she was born almost two years.
Nicole: before my first son. Um, my brother and sister in law moved. Also, they were living in the area where I lived in Mexico, and they had always known that they were going to birth without assistance. It was just the path that my sister in law had really been studying and learning. She had, she had sat with and interviewed and kind of, um, maybe like apprenticed a little bit here and there with midwives around the world, um, had some really great friends and courses.
Nicole: So that was their path, and that was something that they already were, um, firm in. And So I was a witness to that and it was them and myself present at the birth of my niece in our little apartment. And I mean, it was like every birth that anybody has ever witnessed. It’s monumental and life changing. And for me, what that did was it really, um, I don’t know, it let everything fall off of what any like hindrances or anything that potentially could have been in front of me saying like, you can’t birth like this, or this isn’t, this isn’t normal, or this isn’t possible because it was very possible.
Nicole: It was very, it wasn’t easy for my sister in law who was pregnant. birthing, obviously, but as a witness, it seemed pretty uneventful, flawless. Um, the baby was born beautiful. Everything was great. So that was my first in, and then my best friend down here had the same type of birth, um, and I was witness to that.
Nicole: I was there. And so my first, first really firsthand examples of birth were those. So for me, it was a given that mine were going to be the same if, if it worked out and you know, if the stars were aligned, that that was going to be my path. And so that’s what we did. And, um, well, all three, my kids are two years apart.
Nicole: from each other and they were all at home. My, the same birth pool that my niece was born in. And obviously every birth was so different and I could go on podcasts of hours and hours telling the details of each birth. But, um, what I do want to speak to is my first, we didn’t do, we didn’t want to know the gender of our children when they were in utero.
Nicole: We weren’t, we didn’t want, you know, down here, they say to find the sex. Um, we didn’t care. We, there wasn’t. And we kind of wanted that to be a surprise. And what that brought up for us was, um, in the first pregnancy, I went to quite a few appointments of ultrasounds, just kind of feeling my way through the medical system and seeing what was, what felt, what felt safe, what felt aligned with what I was looking for in care.
Nicole: Um, and we had a typical gynecologist, OBGYN, senior, old man that’s been in the business for, you know, decades down here. And so we let him know that we didn’t want another gender. And he did some ultrasounds and, um, and, you know, gave us a disc, a CD of the ultrasounds. And my first son was born, um, with a limb difference, which is kind of a layman’s term of somebody who has a certain type of, um, change in the way that their bones in there are, are developed in their limbs.
Nicole: And so my son was born with a limb difference on his left side. So his left arm, uh, kind of stops at the elbow and has a formation of a hand and his left leg is missing seven, eight bones, though that was a surprise when he was born. Um, and so we’re kind of checking everything was great. The birth was fast.
Nicole: It was in the morning. It’s really liberating and beautiful. Um, and the first question is, you know, how are his toes? How are his fingers? Everything there. And then it’s like, does he, is he, does he have a penis? Have a, you know, like what is his, his biological gender? And so that was kind of a surprise for us.
Nicole: Um, not kind of a surprise. It was a huge surprise. And, and, um, and for the people who are with us, family and friends that were witnessing his birth. And so that was a big, that was just a big awakening, a big, um. Initiation into motherhood, into parenting, into a new diverse realm that we were now going to be navigating for the rest of our lives of a child with a disability.
Nicole: Um, and a lot of things that came up for that. And then subsequently that my other two births were in and of themselves, unique and curious and. Um, and all different kinds of parts that changed and were different than the first birth and different than the second birth. Um, but yeah, there you go. So
Anita: I have I guess a few questions for you.
Anita: Um, a lot of women if they would have gone through what you went through in your first birth to see that surprise would have possibly decided you know what maybe next time I just go through and continue with the OB senior male doctors? Um, what made you still decide that you wanted to continue your journey the way you wanted to do it?
Anita: Yeah, that’s actually,
Nicole: um, basically, that’s like the biggest question that people ask that comes up. Um, I guess I, I mean, reflecting on that now, a decade later, seven, eight years later, it’s not, it doesn’t, my, I don’t know, my answer might not feel as, um, clear for others. But I actually ended up getting further and further from the medical system.
Nicole: After that, um, my second birth, I went to four, three appointments for ultrasounds and kind of dropped my caretaker halfway through. Um, and my third birth, my third pregnancy, I only went for one ultrasound, um, in a clinic that had no OBGYN association. It was just a ultrasound clinic and then no services at all.
Nicole: So ironically, it almost was the opposite effect for me. Um, to be, to be fair, to be genuine, like total transparency. It was just something that my husband and I had so much, um, firm confidence that it was the way it needed to be. And our son was not, um, it just wasn’t pathologic, pathologic, uh, like putting a pathology on him and it wasn’t something that.
Nicole: Felt like a disorder or a disability or a disease or something that was like, you know, I, I, sorry. I sometimes come up with the words in Spanish and I lose my English word. It almost, I was going to say imponiendo, but like putting on a outside kind of agendas. And it felt like we were on the right path of not going in that direction.
Nicole: In fact, that question that you said, um, a lot of what came up for a lot.
Nicole: friends is, aren’t you? Don’t you want to get more, more medical intervention? Don’t you want to know more and check if his chromosome or what is the situation? And we had a lot of services available to us down here. My husband’s mexican, my Children are Mexican by birth. So and we just felt some intuitive Feeling that we didn’t, that wasn’t a problem for us.
Nicole: Our son, if our consecutive two, three, seven more children, we were to have, we’re going to be born in the same way. It wasn’t, um, a bad thing. And so that’s just a whole realm of, um, yeah, of navigating. And when families are, you know, are received with a child who has quote unquote disability and, and it’s just a lot comes, comes undone.
Nicole: Um, but yeah, that’s, that’s kind of our direction.
Anita: Thank you for sharing that. Um, what is one piece of advice? that you wish somebody would have given you during your pregnancy or during your
Nicole: postpartum journey? I think that what happens, at least for me and a lot of my loved ones, the women that I’m dear with, you know, that are dear to me, I think a lot of times, especially with your first birth, we’re so hyper focused on the birth, um, and getting ready for that and like, you know, getting to that hurdle and how are we going to cross that threshold and all of the emotional stuff.
Nicole: spiritual, physiological, physical stuff, prepare for that one event that a lot of times, um, I would almost say most times all the rest is just not really put attention to. So there was a lot of this preparing for birth and getting ready for the birth, but there wasn’t really a lot of. Um, or sharing or resources about what happens after you have this little person with you.
Nicole: So even though I had really close people in life and I was around newborns and I was in, I was always been in childcare. I’ve always known how to change diapers, you know, how to bottle feed a baby. I didn’t have, um, insight to what it’s like to burp a newborn or to, um, you know, a. A baby that when you have my status and how do you nurse like all of the things that come with the immediacy of postpartum?
Nicole: I felt totally lost. Um, so I do wish that I had a little bit more, you know, my second, first and my third got that got better because my people also were exploring and learning that. Oh, shit. We weren’t really ready for the, the, the fourth trimester. Um, yeah. And then once that happened with my first son, I really started to, and you know, God bless the internet, right?
Nicole: Sometimes is I really started to tap into, um, networks and, and, you know, like Instagram pages and communities, virtual communities of women who were all about the fourth trimester and postpartum care and nursing support and lactation counseling and all the things that I just kind of was slopping around with, um, immediate postpartum.
Nicole: So yeah, I would That’s probably it. And also I think that there, it didn’t, I felt very, very lost on nursing on, on, on breastfeeding. That for me was, even though, like I said, my nurse, my sister in law lived with me, she was nursing her baby all the time. My best friends, I was in circles of women that were working in birth.
Nicole: work. And it was not, um, it was not easy. It was very hard and challenging and painful and confusing. Um, but we came out on the other end and I nursed for almost seven years straight in that moment. That’s definitely something that I wish that somebody would have given me a little bit more insight or, or been like, you know, watch out, it’s really hard.
Nicole: And, but at the, at the end of the day, I recognize that it’s kind of stuff that we all have to really find. You know, uh, find in our own way and see, you know, just learn it in our own time. Um, so thank you for
Anita: sharing that and thank you for meeting with me today and getting the story out there and letting others know about birthing at home and how it can be the experience that you want it to be.
Anita: It doesn’t have to be as hands on as society has made it. to be. Um, you can have the experience that you want to have. You just have to know what it is that you want to experience. And I think that’s the same thing that can also be, um, used also in postpartum too, because like you said, everybody’s thinking, so focused on birth and make sure my nursery is together, but we never think about ourselves of what things we want for us.
Anita: So if we can also create that plan for ourselves of this is how I want to feel in my postpartum period, and at least understand the feelings that we want, or I know I want to breastfeed. Maybe I need to contact somebody earlier while I’m still pregnant to at least know a little bit of stuff so that.
Anita: When the baby comes, I have a little bit of knowledge, and if that’s not working, maybe then I reach out to somebody else or something like that. But if we don’t think about these things early, we end up being lost in our fourth trimester with all the hormones and everything else going along. The household still needs to be put together.
Anita: Now I have a new baby I’m in charge of, but I’m still over here like I’m not myself, and we can’t focus or do the things that we need to do for us. So, I’m so happy you, um, expressed your feelings, your journey with us. Thank you so much. If anybody wants to get in touch with you, how do they get in touch with you?
Anita: What things do you do or still doing? Because you do a lot of things.
Nicole: Yeah, I mean, I, um, I would So I’m like, wow, I don’t even know how to respond to that. No, I’m just kidding. Um, real quick. I want to just add another thing about kind of postpartum and the plan I would say is also think about the things that you don’t want, because that I see with a lot of my loved ones is, well, I know I don’t want my sister to visit, or I know I don’t want neighbors to come by and I know I don’t want my mother in law to stay with me for three weeks after.
Nicole: So really feel into those things too. And you know, it’s about bravery and facing, facing hearts. stuff and having those hard conversations sometimes, but really standing up for yourself. And if you’re not able to advocate for yourself, know that your partner or your people that are in your sphere can advocate for you and just really use that time to speak your mind.
Nicole: Um, perhaps. before the baby comes so that you don’t have to navigate those hard things and those uncomfortable feelings with all the hormones and all that stuff after the baby comes. Right. So that’s a big one too, is knowing what you don’t want to be able to work around what you do. Um, yeah, so I, right now you can find me, I have an Instagram page, my Facebook page and all my website, everything is the same name.
Nicole: Um, ironically it’s the life of a strong mama. Um, the website is that. org Instagram and Facebook is that exact same tag. And my email is that as well. at Gmail. Um, right now I am just figuring it out. I’m out there. Um, little by little as my children grow older, I am kind of stepping away from birth base and birth work a little bit more.
Nicole: Um, I would, I had in the past been present at unassisted births in my region. Speaking at conferences and organizing a really dear friend of mine is making a documentary right now around kind of obstetric violence and autonomy and medical system during postpartum and birth. So I’m supporting her in that, but just I get anything anybody has questions around my personal story, how, you know, any, like, insight that they feel after hearing me share.
Nicole: Anybody that has children with disabilities that they don’t feel like they have somebody to ask questions to or speak out or, you know, share their stories because it doesn’t really feel like there’s a lot of spaces out there for that, reach out to me. Um, just private support, I suppose, is what I would say.
Nicole: Um, I’m definitely not holding a role or the, the label of doula, um, or midwife in this. Part of my life. I think when I’m a grandmother, I will return back to that. Um, but raising little kids is really hard to hold space for the way that I want to hold space for women in that realm. Um, so yeah, I say that that’s it.
Nicole: And then in addition, I work primarily right now in outdoor education and helping families and programs and micro schools kind of start up and, and learn insights into that kind of world and, and, and resources and podcasts and things like that. So yeah, that’s what I would share.
Anita: I actually have one more question for you.
Anita: What made you move from New York to Mexico? That’s
Nicole: a, that’s a good one. Um, I was young, um, I was 21, so I’m originally from Buffalo, New York, like fourth generation Buffalonian, um, they say Buffalo native now. Um, And I just wanted to change and explore. And so I moved here with a young, with a friend who was, was born and raised here.
Nicole: Um, and so I kind of had that, uh, that benefit that in, and so we moved and we were going to travel and go to Peru and see the pyramids and, you know, be mochileras, which is backpackers. And I got a really great job within two months and a great tour. Agency and I got my work visa and I stayed. Um, and obviously along the way I fell in love and then fell out of love and then did some more fun stuff.
Nicole: I worked in nonprofit for 12 years. I had a lot of different kind of careers, um, in all of this, but it was just figuring out that I. It could be done. So I moved and I was facilitated all my kind of those hard things like visa and housing and things that can be challenging for people when they travel the world.
Nicole: Um, and that, yeah. And, and over the years, just really being able to, um, learn from study. I studied to be a natural therapist with certain professors here. I doing my, um, my formation formation in, uh, on kind of unstructured learning spaces and all sorts of things. So, yeah, it’s, it’s been two decades. But, um, yeah, it feels really far from Buffalo sometimes, but the internet allows me to stay connected and stay close to people that are still up there.
Nicole: Perfect.
Anita: Well, thank you so much for giving your time today, telling your story and being a space where other parents who have kids with disability are able to reach out to you and have these conversations. And I hope you have a great rest of your day. Thank you, Anita.
